We apologize for the recent outage in service.

As you no doubt have noticed, DPJ has been offline for several days, costing us millions in lost sales, driving our stock price to all time lows, swamping our call center, and causing several of our larger customers to sue us due to interruptions in mission-critical service. Naturally, we're really ticked off about this. Somebody's gonna catch it this time that's for sure. Anyway, we're still investigating the cause of the incident. (We think one of our sysadmins spilled beer in server seven. We should have outsourced this entire operation to India years ago. Freaking sysadmins.)